It’s Not Black and White, It’s Gray
Birds twirl in the sky like sheets of loose paper
As raindrops fall in the absence of my footsteps.
The clouds marbled and wispy
As I whisper,
That I’m wistful.
New trees arch toward their spotlight
While dewy kisses plant on my cheeks
From the darker side of the sky.
I like getting wet, getting muddy
The raw grit of the Earth.
Pour down in buckets
To cleanse and to coat
Leave me soaking and silent on this street.
I’m happy here, alone and cold with you.
I found the place you wanted me to,
Where it’s okay to be gray.
For just like the sky,
So am I.
Painted ladies brushstroke by
As the ink sets in to dry
Truth sets you free,
But where are you, and where is he?
Softly stepping on the sidewalk
As men sleep in driveways
Under the slowly warming sky.
These ladies broke through their cocoons
To migrate and mate
As I’ve done.
Both heading towards the Pacific Northwest
Somewhere with trees
In hope of creating families.
I’ll float alongside you, little butterflies
I’ll take each step with closed eyes,
The tiles may be falling off the walls
But I’m outside now
In motion, and in love for no reason at all.
Underneath the still warming sky.
You Are Stronger Than You Think
When everything is quiet
And you’re nowhere to be found
I begin to blacken pages,
Writing to sages,
About girls in dresses
Walking alone in sunsets
And butterflies silhouetted by moonlight.
We’re all just homesick.
Touching trees and one another
Getting one step closer.
I’ll see you all there
But right now, I’m in repair.
I’m glad it’s warm out,
My sweat reminds me to release
With every breath, I feel a little more at peace.
I close my eyes and walk on ledges now.
My heart is louder than it used to be
Seeing rainbows on my skin previously unseen.
So go ahead little girl,
You have what you need in this world.
You want new words?
Then write to them.
Put jasmine in your hair
Gift love and lightning everywhere.
They might have stars on thars,
And you might have scars on yours
But Jesus, you are brave.
You never wanted normal anyways.
A pang of hunger and curiosity fit for a Queen.
So conquer, love harder and stand up in your dream.
Dance with your own shadow
Kiss your weak knees
Fill your lungs, wraps your hands, stretch your muscles that aren’t yet sore.
Look up to your home and say, “Please,”
“Give me more.”
I Will Wait
The days without you aren’t the same.
Quiet echos louder without your music
My voice doesn’t ring the same tone
And the light sits lower on the walls.
How do I guide you home?
My words haven’t worked
And my lips fall off track.
I want your real love.
Waiting has never been my strong suit
But your skin.
The spot right alongside your hip
My fingers were there
And I heard your deep moan into my neck.
I wriggle and re-position my hips,
As I remember your pulse underneath me,
Nearly inside me
As your fingers explored the source of my warmth.
But why only once?
When my ears hear the blood in my heart
I know it’s you in my veins.
My impatient body is selfish
But I don’t blame my primal desire
Just too great.
So I will sit,
I will walk
I will eat
I will sleep.
And something will bring you to me.
Some word, some song, some fairy tale
Will remind you and guide you
And I will be ready.
With all my human and inhuman thirsts.
With all my readiness to love you.
But today just isn’t the same, without you.
She unfolds as she sees fit.
No need for expectations
Impatience or needs.
All your needs are met.
She sees to them as a gift-giver.
She gives the gift of life,
The gift of joy,
The gift of awakening,
And the gift of love.
It’s not patience you are lacking
Her divine selflessness,
Her ability to know you
And your deeper dreams,
The ones you haven’t told
The ones you keep close.
Trust she hears you and
Trust she cares enough.
Lower your shoulders
Release your jaw
And feel her comforting pulse.
That beating in your chest
It’s her knocking at your door.
She’s ready to gift you.
She’s been waiting for you to answer
And where have you been?
Go to her
There is no fear here.
She may have pain,
She may share agony
But beneath that Pandora’s box
There lies what you seek.
What you’ve always been seeking.
That soul-shaking connection
A love that vibrates inner knowing
And multidimensional, unconditional, unrestrained, limitless and great
Take off your clothes
Walk to her naked
Open the door, open your light
And receive her.
She is gifting you now.
You’re a slideshow.
A breathing VHS
That flickers and flits through still images
Until I see you clearly.
The time you said you were home
Red hues painted on your face
Sitting cross-legged on my rug.
The movie skips back,
Standing in a field, dowsed in moonlight
Mist leaving a dewy cold on my neck
And further back it rewinds
To that time
When I handed you a poem
Nestled in our very own sandcastle.
Rapidly skipping with quick glimpses
Of little glances
In a car at 1am.
Simple touches after nightmares
On a couch at 3am
And a handshake that turned into…
Hearts beating so loud it startles the trees,
And visions of making love
And you kissing me.
Please, press play.
I tell myself to stop rewinding
But it fast forwards instead
A garden with a toddler playing
A kindhearted mother and a hospital bed
And nose nuzzles with a little baby girl.
I hear her name.
I see you.
We will have love like no other,
We will play in pillow forts
And songs and words, poems and paintings
Will fill the walls
And the halls
And it all
Smells of sunshine.
I watch this every day.
Feeling a hand on my neck
Another wrapped around my waist
I close my eyes and
Dissolve into my favorite place.
Only for a minute.
Only for today.
Just knowing this exists is enough.
It’s enough, if it needs to be.
But if you want to watch this movie with me,
If you share in this daydream
Sit, shake my hand
Press play and let’s see.
I lit a candle and even that was too bright.
I tried to sleep, and wanted to write, but
It’s meant to be dark.
The only illumination-
Your lighthouse glow.
A sea of crumpled, doodled paper,
Envelop the lost sailor,
Tea getting cold
And the embers of a last lit candle wick
Begin to succumb to the night wave.
That breaking evening,
And the striking beauty of her ascent.
I am reminded to rise,
Declarations of epiphany
But more specifically,
I hear incomprehensible silence.
And that’s the point.