You Are Stronger Than You Think
When everything is quiet
And you’re nowhere to be found
I begin to blacken pages,
Writing to sages,
About girls in dresses
Walking alone in sunsets
And butterflies silhouetted by moonlight.
We’re all just homesick.
Touching trees and one another
Getting one step closer.
I’ll see you all there
But right now, I’m in repair.
I’m glad it’s warm out,
My sweat reminds me to release
With every breath, I feel a little more at peace.
I close my eyes and walk on ledges now.
My heart is louder than it used to be
Seeing rainbows on my skin previously unseen.
So go ahead little girl,
You have what you need in this world.
You want new words?
Then write to them.
Put jasmine in your hair
Gift love and lightning everywhere.
They might have stars on thars,
And you might have scars on yours
But Jesus, you are brave.
You never wanted normal anyways.
A pang of hunger and curiosity fit for a Queen.
So conquer, love harder and stand up in your dream.
Dance with your own shadow
Kiss your weak knees
Fill your lungs, wraps your hands, stretch your muscles that aren’t yet sore.
Look up to your home and say, “Please,”
“Give me more.”
Tag: photography
I Will Wait
I Will Wait
The days without you aren’t the same.
Quiet echos louder without your music
My voice doesn’t ring the same tone
And the light sits lower on the walls.
How do I guide you home?
My words haven’t worked
And my lips fall off track.
I want your real love.
Waiting has never been my strong suit
But your skin.
The spot right alongside your hip
My fingers were there
And I heard your deep moan into my neck.
I wriggle and re-position my hips,
As I remember your pulse underneath me,
Nearly inside me
As your fingers explored the source of my warmth.
But why only once?
When my ears hear the blood in my heart
I know it’s you in my veins.
My impatient body is selfish
But I don’t blame my primal desire
You are
Just too great.
So I will sit,
I will walk
I will eat
I will sleep.
And something will bring you to me.
Some word, some song, some fairy tale
Will remind you and guide you
And I will be ready.
With all my human and inhuman thirsts.
With all my readiness to love you.
But today just isn’t the same, without you.
The Gift

No need for expectations
Or timelines
Impatience or needs.
All your needs are met.
She sees to them as a gift-giver.
She gives the gift of life,
The gift of joy,
The gift of awakening,
And the gift of love.
It’s not patience you are lacking
It’s trust.
Trust her.
Her divine selflessness,
Her ability to know you
And your deeper dreams,
The ones you haven’t told
The ones you keep close.
Trust she hears you and
Trust she cares enough.
Lower your shoulders
Release your jaw
And feel her comforting pulse.
That beating in your chest
It’s her knocking at your door.
She’s ready to gift you.
She’s been waiting for you to answer
And where have you been?
There is no fear here.
She may have pain,
She may share agony
But beneath that Pandora’s box
There lies what you seek.
What you’ve always been seeking.
Freedom.
That soul-shaking connection
A love that vibrates inner knowing
And multidimensional, unconditional, unrestrained, limitless and great
love.
Take off your clothes
Walk to her naked
Open the door, open your light
And receive her.
She is gifting you now.
Press Play
Press Play
You’re a slideshow.
A breathing VHS
That flickers and flits through still images
Until I see you clearly.
The time you said you were home
Red hues painted on your face
Avocado-stained fingers
Sitting cross-legged on my rug.
The movie skips back,
Further yet,
Standing in a field, dowsed in moonlight
So close.
Mist leaving a dewy cold on my neck
And further back it rewinds
To that time
When I handed you a poem
Nestled in our very own sandcastle.
Rapidly skipping with quick glimpses
Of little glances
In a car at 1am.
Simple touches after nightmares
On a couch at 3am
And a handshake that turned into…
Hearts beating so loud it startles the trees,
And visions of making love
And you kissing me.
Please, press play.
I tell myself to stop rewinding
But it fast forwards instead
A garden with a toddler playing
A kindhearted mother and a hospital bed
And nose nuzzles with a little baby girl.
I hear her name.
The frame
Regains integrity
With clarity
I see you.
We will have love like no other,
We will play in pillow forts
And songs and words, poems and paintings
Will fill the walls
And the halls
And it all
Smells of sunshine.
I watch this every day.
Feeling a hand on my neck
Another wrapped around my waist
I close my eyes and
Dissolve into my favorite place.
Only for a minute.
Only for today.
Just knowing this exists is enough.
It’s enough, if it needs to be.
But if you want to watch this movie with me,
If you share in this daydream
Sit, shake my hand
Press play and let’s see.
Moon Poem
Moon Poem
I lit a candle and even that was too bright.
I tried to sleep, and wanted to write, but
Tonight,
It’s meant to be dark.
The only illumination-
Your lighthouse glow.
A sea of crumpled, doodled paper,
Envelop the lost sailor,
Tea getting cold
And the embers of a last lit candle wick
Begin to succumb to the night wave.
That breaking evening,
And the striking beauty of her ascent.
I am reminded to rise,
Declarations of epiphany
But more specifically,
I hear incomprehensible silence.
And that’s the point.
Silent in Love
Silent in Love
How do you do that?
I’m sitting alone, but
There you are.
Your hands are touching my back.
Your tongue is in my mouth
And it has been too long since I’ve
Felt such warmth.
Do you feel this?
And this?
No more words now.
A Dying Man’s Last Breath
A Dying Man’s Last Breath
As the ripe November moon rises
The not yet old man lays dying.
Not on his bed, nor on his floor,
Somewhere in between.
Discerning his last breath,
For only a moment, with gravity and importance.
Fragrant childhood fields of tiger lilies
Begin to bloom in his married room,
And the smell of old red and rotted barn doors.
Fantastic is the taste of a sweet and plump tomato,
Round and robbed right out of his mother’s garden.
The only background music,
A soft hum of Indianian wind through cattails.
Endless sunshine soaks his skin which now is filled with absolute youth.
Thousands of unreserved sunsets
That turn to a lifetime of coruscating evening skies.
66 years of first kisses grace his lips,
So does that bitter bathtub gin from senior prom.
Accomplishment arrives in his chest,
Inflating with words from his father, “I’m proud of you, son,”
Awakening in his fading ears.
Then he sees her.
In a form of remembered innocence,
With fiery hair
And a fiery soul that burned his taste for anyone else.
Anyone else but her.
Looking down, now dressed in his bridegroom clothes.
And her,
In a springtime of white and wonder.
Hearts hopeful with promise and eager to begin
His hands idle to build something.
A home.
Seemingly no time passes before she is quick with child.
And then he sees her.
With fiery hair
And a fiery soul that burned his adoration for anyone else.
Anyone else but her.
Feeding her watermelon with salt sprinkled on top
Just to watch her little nose crinkle.
The smell of fresh-cut, summer-kissed and dewy dawned grass
And her little toes.
How could anything ever be so tiny?
His arms warm with heavy bodies of wife and child.
A warmth that cascades
A warmth like a waterfall of tenderness over steep rocks of stoic features.
Seemingly no time passes and yet another miracle is delivered.
Then he sees her.
With fiery hair
And a fiery soul that burned his thanksgiving for anyone else.
Anyone else but her.
Pink satin swirling in his room,
His girls dancing in princess costumes.
His hair, now, a black and white photograph
As his girls all shine with vibrant hues of tenacity and resilience.
Flying and soaring over his perfectly manicured landscape
He planted over 100 pine trees,
His living picture frame proudly displaying what he had built.
Hands now lined, scarred, tattered and weak
As they grasp the bedside table in preparation for his last exhale.
His final act as a husband.
His final act as a father.
His final act as a man.
As millions of others have done before,
But not quite like him.
No, not quite like him at all.
He stood, so very tall,
Overlooking his kingdom,
On the sanded, stained and decades-old porch he built with his own two hands,
And the hands of his wife,
And the hands of his daughters.
Gentle snow or ash or princess glitter falls, tingling on his not yet old skin
As he smiles,
Welcoming the warmth of a new day.
THE OLD WOMAN AND THE OLD BICYCLE
The Old Woman And The Old Bicycle
The breeze is cold and sharp and honest on my walk without you.
Confusion wells up in my eyes
As I sit uncomfortably in the patience of universal design.
I feel lost, as I usually do right before I am found.
Cars blur past,
Some rattling with age
While others flaunt their shiny newness.
My idle hands crimp and fuss.
Absent is the hand that held them steady.
Touching my face to remember I’m here
And I’m real and I feel,
As the crisp air blowing on my sore neck wasn’t enough.
The marks of my strain and stress now visible.
Between my vacant family,
My lost husband,
My insurfuckingmountable depression,
And my god damned dead dad
I want to step in front of that shiny new car and stop it.
Stop the 30 years of abuse
Stop the nightmares
Stop the tears
Stop the loss
And stop the unheard, maddening loneliness.
I tried to call so many people and no one answered.
I’m reminded of the time I told my cousin that when no one answers
That means it’s time to call to the universe.
So I called to her.
Please guide me to joy.
Please carve a lighter path.
Please take pity on my tired and bruised body.
I’ll stay!
I’ll keep walking!
I’ll walk night and day and day and night
Just please stand beside me.
In all your warmth and rapture and rage
Show me some kindness.
Show me your mercy.
My trembling hand pulled a card from a deck earlier and it said, “Power.”
Was that meant for you?
For I cannot see mine, but yours is surely in the air.
Is mine hidden in the hand behind your back?
Or is it in my footsteps?
Maybe my legs will grow stronger with every mile.
Maybe the rhythm of my movement will steady the equilibrium of my breath.
Maybe my hands will effortlessly fall to my sides as my head dizzies with quietness.
And then, maybe, I’ll hear her.
In the lemon tree,
Or the hazy far off police sirens,
Or in the melting background hum of rush hour traffic,
Or in the soft paddle of an old bicycle wheel.
And as the street lamps flicker on,
And the dusk settles in,
And as the misty Olympic clouds blanket the Pasadena mountains, maybe,
I’ll hear her say, “take another step.”
Clever North Wind
Clever North Wind
The wind visited me last night,
Rustling my leaves and chilling my aching bark.
She felt cruel and unyielding at first
But softened into a wavelike drag.
Lifting the heavy parts of my old branches,
Giving relief to my sinking roots,
Raising me from my bed of dampened soil and
Gracefully uplifting my oftentimes laden and restless sagacity.
In moments of change, I weary with tiredness
Again, I must grow?
Yet, with her winds I feel her ever-love for movement
The flood of celebration and gift of newness,
A remembrance of childhood sprouting.
Almost like falling asleep,
Beginning with a slow birth
And then a sudden and complete surrender,
I am bewitched by her breeze of arriving seasons.
A wild delirium for nature’s will to be done.
Influence my stems, lead me where you need me
Raise my creaking camphorwood,
And then admire how I blossom.
For what is change without appreciation?
My sweet wind, you are the causation and
The heiress to all of springtime.
Another growth-ring appears,
A recorded reflection of age and time
To cut me in half would reveal my wisdom
But it would also unveil that I took courage from thine.
I Couldn’t Have Known
I Couldn’t Have Known
Nobody else holds the space you hold,
Or reflects light off of lakes the way you do.
I couldn’t have known
What you would mean to me.
So meet me,
Meet me in the world between worlds.
Dance on the edge of crystals
Where your sternum vibrates
Where your throat opens
Where your lungs are healed.
When gravity tugs at you,
That is a door to find me.
When a shadow moves in a still room,
That is a door to find me.
And when water feels viscous underneath your palm,
That is a door to find me, too.
Where the precious fire burns
In dreams of wisdom and unrelenting eloquence
Meet me in spirit, in truth, in power and in grace.
And kiss me.
And hold me.
And color me.
Nobody else is what you are to me,
Or hears my nightingale’s song.
I couldn’t have known
What you would mean to me.
I have memorized the taste of your invention
I have sat in the ancient architecture of your DNA
And I am humbled by the mirage of your apparition.
You warm me.
You comfort me.
You collapse me.
So meet me,
Meet me on a moon-drenched road
Allow the mist and the mystics to raise you up
Where you lose sobriety
Where your smile sighs with levity
Where your occupation is only to love with me.
Nobody else could carry this vastness
The profusion of fresh air you bestow upon me.
I couldn’t have known
What you would mean to me.