It could be from my husband’s absence (he’s a touring musician and has been gone for the past 6 months), it could be from my father’s passing, it could be from our recent move, our recent wedding, or any other living, breathing thing – but right now I’m floating.
Before therapy, a time like this would have me spinning. I feel the impulse to have a head full of questions. I used to beg the universe for answers. I wanted so badly to understand why I was hurting, why I was shown so many paths in life if I was “stuck” on only one. I used to bury myself so deep in fantasy versions of my life, the visions of timelines not yet lived, and other worlds I created that I would be so far removed from the present. But not now. And I gotta say, it’s refreshing as hell.
Yeah, I’m confused. I’m taken aback by my circumstances. I wonder why my husband has lost his faith, I worry on how to talk to him about my heart aches with loving kindness, over the years I’ve felt tired and alone in my pursuit to feel joy, and I am uncertain about the future and what it holds – but isn’t all of this the best part? Isn’t the unpredictability, the riskiness, the absurd and spirit of inquiry just so human?
Last night, the first primitive nuclei divided and created a new and separate nucleus. No one knows how the first nuclei was formed, there have been many theories, but to my knowledge, there hasn’t been a definitive answer and last night, I witnessed the creation of the secondary universal nuclei. The world split right in front of me – and in its beauty, and in its rapture, I was present. My eyes were swollen with tears, my lungs overwhelmed with mist and my hands were sparking with magic.
We all have the answers, every answer, to every question ever asked. I am floating in the translation of the word simplicity. I feel it in my fingertips, it sends shivers down my spine and causes goosebumps on my flesh. I am human, I am here.
She was the only witness.
Only she heard my hunger.
And if it was that easy, she answered,
“Just you wait.”
Without hope, without need,
She drenched me in wonder.
Still frames projected behind my eyelids,
waves, the harmonic motion, stirring my source.
A lifetime with your touch, a life without your touch,
We danced with the line of collapsing time.