There are so many flavors of love. There is the kind of love that comforts you, like watching a puppy rummage around in the dirt and roll on his side and sneeze his snout into the grass. There is the type of love that heals you – when you are tired, or sad and you are given a hug so warm and gentle you can breathe and let your shoulders fall. There is another kind of love that excites and sends tingles from your fingertips to your toes. And then yet another, there is a love that is so infinite it’s like staring at the ocean, mesmerized at the expansiveness of the horizon, making you question how far the human eye can see.
I understood the tingly love, boys are good at giving that. It’s a physical love. You feel butterflies and heat and inquiry. But once the clothes are off and the lights are on, I would feel lonely. Not every time, not with everyone, but mostly I would feel it. A hint, a glisten, an underlying simmer of loneliness.
I was searching for the love I had been promised by childhood movies. The love that would wake me from my forever sleep. The one that would lift me up and guide me along the skyline on a carpet, or the one that would draw me “wearing this, and only this.” Let’s be real though, Titanic ruined all of us tweens for an actual dating life. No one could compare to Leonardo DiCaprio as Jack Dawson. Forever be still my heart.
However, I have. I have found the type of love I had been seeking. I have received all of the flavors, varieties, swirling colors and prismatic divinity anyone could dream of and the kinds I couldn’t even begin to dream of. The kind of love that rips your heart apart and then puts it back together with a million new pieces. The one that makes you want to discover new words, and then you realize that words are useless in the face of her beauty. The kind of love that longs, and causes tears at the mere thought of a hug from their gentle, perfect arms.
A hopeless romantic, a loveaholic, an explorer for fate – my everything had been waiting. And then, in the simplest form, as she effortlessly does – love appears. Patience, faith, and openness lead me to her path. Once you are walking with her, and your fellow falling star, everything begins – just as it always had.
Today, on this gray and cloudy and cold morning, I am grateful for her kindness. I am so glad love, in her grace, entered my life and taught me to smile in the way only she could make me smile. And, I am just so damn curious to know… what my love feels like to him.
Okay Jack Dawson, I suppose I can let you go like the heart of the ocean. I’ve found my own ship of dreams.
His eyes so confident,
Oh, how he seeks;
Like a wandering Sophophile.
Wise with no words to speak,
I want to be with him all of the while.
It’s a tragically ending ballet.
But I want him anyway.
I show him I’m his and wait out time;
Goodness is a choice and redemption is fine;
All things are clear but then turn on a dime.
Gentle release and then trapped in kind;
Two borrowed hulls endlessly intertwined.
Oh, how I break.
To feel the weight of gravity,
Selfishly and recklessly I want to take,
And feel him beside me.
Tell me it’s worth it, my moon and sunshine.
Tell me you want me some of the time.